The last gift

Disclaimer: I am not a writer, rather I hate reading long paragraphs so don't expect anything good in this blog. I have gone through some painful experiences over the last year which I just kept inside myself and fought against them on my own. But today, I just can't keep it to myself and thus getting it out. Please ignore the offensive words used as this blog is a truthful expression of honest emotions. 

Also, if you had faced painful breakup in the past and not over it yet please don't read it. This is not to give anyone pain or trouble but just talking about me for myself. There are some things in this post which rational human beings will find disturbing or illogical so please stop reading if you feel that at any point while reading. 

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She boarded the flight to U.S. - her dream for so many years was about to come true. She was happy, confused, worried and feeling lot of emotions at the same time. She had an ambition to grow her career right from an early childhood growing in small cities of India. She always believed with her hardwork and dedication she can achieve anything she wants, which indeed was true for a large portion of her life. 

She was going to do Masters in California at one of the prestigious universities. She was eagerly waiting for this moment as covid had already delayed her plans. She took wishes from everyone, plane took off and her journey started. She started to remember everyone who helped her to reach here. Her parents supported her at every stages of life and every decision that she made. She was feeling bad for them as she didn't know when she will see them again. She felt like she was running from her responsibilities and this very thought started killing her from inside. Her younger brother was supposed to take care of the family and she felt like she was loading him with too much of a burden at an early age which she should have handled. The next thought she had in mind was what will happen to her love of life which was the strong support system of her life.

She met him during college days, they were happiest couple she had known. She wasn't sure about him in the beginning but just wanted to start relationship and see where things go. Slowly their relationship was growing into something beautiful which she was unable to notice. One day when she saw him doing things which no one would have ever done for her, she started to feel love. Love is very hard to define, harder to find and hardest to maintain. Certain incidents happened in their relationship made her feel how much she loved him and she can't find his replacement. The moment she recognized her love, she looked at him as her responsibility. She was so much involved in his career, ambitions and growth she forgot to see him just as a person - a person who was madly in love with her.

She landed in California. Her days in U.S. started. She was just observing everything around her and getting used to it. The question that stuck in her mind was - "Is this even worth it?" She tried her best to find answer to this question but idiot she didn't realize the only required thing at that moment was patience. Days started to move, she was unhappy about the fact she can't meet anyone she loves and didn't know when that will happen. Initially she tried to keep her long distance relationship going but she could clearly sense the same pain her partner was going through. Her situation slowly started to get worse, the expenses were too large than she calculated. She was in a student debt which was almost equal to the life time savings of her family. This may sound silly to someone who is not in that situation but it was a too big thing for her who was just doing it for her dream to do MS. "Was that even worth it?" Even if things go as per plan she would have needed 3 years to become zero again. What will happen to him when she is getting ready? Is it even worth to ask him to wait for her just because she wanted to pursue her dream?

The fact was, she didn't know answers to these questions but still tried to make answers which seemed logical to her. He wanted to stay back in India and she couldn't come back to India unless everything is settled as she was tied due to the debt. Another option which she knew at that moment to marry him and get him to U.S. as a dependent. Dependents have lot of restrictions and need some time to get settled. She thought this would destroy his career, which she had no rights to do. She thought it was unfair to his loved ones to see him go just because of her. When these thoughts replicated in her mind she decided to accept the situation rather than destroying his career which she had seen growing very closely. She was ready to experience all the pain and put him in a miserable situation for some time rather than seeing his career blown. Because at that moment she thought that's the best thing she could do to resolve the situation. She started to avoid him, she stopped replying him. She just thought creating a distance was important and moved away from him. On the other hand he kept asking her questions for which she didn't know the answers. That's when things started to fall apart. 

One thing she could have done better was to share everything with him explaining what she was going through but she didn't, she was too scared to say anything to anyone and kept everything inside her. The wait wasn't worth enough and she decided everyone should move on. She didn't even know what she was saying. She had no intention to replace him but just and just wanted to focus on masters. She should have said things correctly. She didn't realize her words will have adverse effects. She didn't give him enough recognition during their relationship, they also had cultural differences and these things made picture looked different. The fact she didn't recognize him was she was ashamed of herself and not himself. She always saw herself as a smart ambitious women and felt it bad to claim she was in a relationship when she had no achievements. Poor she, career and love are two different tracks of life - she had learned it a hard way.

Things started to fall apart, he moved away from her but she just stood there hoping suddenly everything will become normal one day with some miracle. She focused on her career, did immense hardwork and achieved certain things which neither him or herself could have imagined. She found a way to bring him back to her life with his career maintained and a life with everything at ease. She saw every dream of theirs come true in a next few months. It wasn't just a job but she had found a solution to all their problems. She wanted to go to him and take him back in her life, give him all the recognition he deserved and talk to his and her parents to build their future together and shout out loud that "I accept you and will never leave you alone again, I have done everything we once thought of.  I have improved myself in every aspect that you didn't like about me" . This was so stupid as he would never trust her again.  She had no rights to do anything like this after what she had done in past.

This is when the reality strikes her. He might not be there where she was standing. She didn't consider anyone else but he might had considered it. She didn't even go on a date with anyone else because that wasn't something she ever considered. Though she is far from these rules but world has society rules that people follow like society decides when to stop education,  when to start earning,  when to marry, how one  should get married, when to have children. She stopped dreaming and came back to reality. Just because she was about to build the dream into reality that they saw together doesnt mean he still wants to be part of it. The reality was she had lost a beautiful love of her life and she has to live restof her life with it. 

She now just wants him to be happy forever and get everything from the life that he wants. She is carrying some gifts from him and hugged them whenever she felt alone (it was her support system). Now she had to get rid of these seven gifts and stop thinking about him as he is really happy in his world- that's what she wanted.

Now she will just throw these gifts everyday and the day last gift is thrown out, she is going to close the last door she had kept open for him, yes the door that is open for him!!